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Someone Dear.
Sunday, November 20, 2011 | 8:16 AM | 0 letters

Not too long ago, someone from my mother side family just suicide.
Even though I rarely or even barely stay in contact with them but this person here who suicide was one of my best family I ever know..
He's a sweet guy by nature. He's funny and he keep prank me.
Just not too long ago I only met him.
When my mom told me that, my brain almost couldn't registered who my mom was talking about.
What are you saying? That all happy go lucky just go and jump off?
Just a month back we're staying over at his place and he even play with me.
Why?
I couldn't say anything even if I wanted too.. He was on my mother side, i'm sure my mom feel a lot more than me. She doesn't need the questions and craps from me right now so I stayed silent.
And since then, I never ask about him anymore. About why he die or anything related to him.
Cause I know far too well how a reminder of the past pain and hurt.
Right that night, I thought I wouldn't really care or feel as much, but I think I cried.
Even now I feel like crying and trust me, I would if not because my brother my here near me.
When I remember how he always play with me, pat my head and prank me, do you know just how much it hurts me that I can't see him again? Just remember our good time is enough to make me cry. Whenever my lil bro speak of him, I always say, 'why are you always so busybody? stop poking your fking nose in everything.' yeah for him I might sound cruel but no, I was trying to tell him to stop reminding. I remember few days back when I was on an outing with my friends, we're a group of three including me and when one of my friend was late and I was chatting with my other friend, my dad called me and told me stuff about my uncle cause he went to attend his funeral and I don't. I won't. So after that, I told my friend about it and not long after that, my other friend came. She looked at me, for some reason as if she could read me, she pat my head and say 'Stop looking like that'. Okay, that was stunning. I looked at her surprised, hell, who won't? Then she continue and say, while looking at me 'You look like you're gonna cry'. Heaven blessing, of course I did. I just talked about my uncle but I was really surprised. She don't know anything when I never told her but she tell me not to cry. Thank you.

However much I love him, my uncle that is, I can never forgive or respect him. I am no justice but I'm sure I can judge someone who suicide. I can't forgive people who waste their life like that. While someone wishes to live a bit longer somewhere far away, here he was, suicide and wasted his life just like that.
I got my aunt, my father side who passed away not too long ago too, due to some chronic disease i dunno, she left her husband and sons. She wanted to live so much. She prayed everyday to god that hope he would let her at least live long and yet her wish was never granted and yet here my uncle was, suicide.
When my dad told me what he bought before he die, I was so shocked. This is no funny so don't laugh, he bought a cup noodle. and other things of course. but what hits me the most is that cup noodles. why? why buy it when you are already wished to die? Somehow, a part of me, a detective part of me (LOL no i ain't one) , can't help but to picture how he looked like before he jump. Did he cry? Did he say his last remorseful word? Did he wish someone will stop him?
Did he think why he choose to die and not found an answer?
I can't help but to think those negative stuff.. Life is never easy but it is never so hard for someone to choose death.
I just thought it was both sad and idiotic that someone choose to die when someone else wish for a minute more.

Manloves.

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