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Hello.
Friday, June 26, 2015 | 9:28 AM | 0 letters

こんばわ。今、私は留学生として日本で住んでいます。実は、ここは生活は何も特別じゃないと思います。それで、マレーシアで家族と友達は会いたいです。
I'm bad in Japanese despite me  learning it for almost 6 months. What a failure.

First, hello world! It's been a while, my friend. I guess handling a blog really wasn't for me, who are so fickle when it comes to being loyal to social networking that needs me to wreck my brain. Haha.

Anyhow, dear my future-self to be that will probably not be reading this, how are you? Are you happy with what you have accomplished? I hope you did because you wasted a lot of money to come to Japan just to studying making buns and cakes, my dearest self. Make me proud. And our parents. Our, ha.

I cannot express verbally how grateful I am to my family who, despite everything else (aka the world in general because shits happened) that seemed to be against this, supported me in my wild dream to learn bakery. There are times I wondered if it's worth it, this all. To spend so much money for my own sake. For something as petty as learning bakery.

Often than not, I asked myself why I can't be better in studying so that I can make my parents proud. To make the money spent worth every pennies. Sometimes I regret that I was so arrogant back then, back when I think that I don't own the world nothing. That I can't be force to do otherwise than my own decision and whims. And now I wish I can do better. It's not that I don't like the idea of being a baker or anything, but it pains me a little every time I think of the money spent in this. I was so scared I will makes it all go to waste because I'm a useless person who can't even trust myself when it comes to important things like this. I'm so afraid that I will failed to make anything out of so many goods that was given to me. And the expectation.

I think that letting your child to live by themselves in a faraway country will really help their growth. I have seen many types of people that come along with me to study here in Japan. I have a friend, a pair of siblings - brother and sister - whose ambition are alike to me. Even when it was myself alone, I thought of the very expensive school fees that scared me, yet their parents send both of them here to study that very course that I'm going to.
Then it struck me, yeah? That parents are so, so wonderful to us.

It kinda makes me teared up sometimes, that the quote saying "You don't know what you lost until you lost it" really means something to me. Not that I lost anything. What I lost is the time passed behind me. I think in every child, there will always be a moment when they reflect back on their attitude towards their parents that thought, oh fuck why the fuck did I do what I did fuck I should do better, be better.

And I'm having that moment right now, here in this faraway place where I couldn't even speak to my parents once a month because we're awkward family with emotional constipation problem. I have always known I'm loved even when it's not shown. But really, we don't appreciate what we have when we still have them. And right now, I'm so full of immerse gratitude towards them that I wish I could be better. Do better. So that I don't disappoint them. To prove to them I am worth every love they pour into.

They said, a parent's love is unconditional. I agree wholehearted and for that very reason, I want to prove that 'unconditional love' is not just another convenient expression used for those who don't appreciate their parents' love simply because they don't demand any thing back.

I'm offering to them. And I damn well make sure I give the very best.

And, you, my future-self, I hope you remember what you write many years ago, today, and that I hope if against anything, you still remember this blog and this post, I hope you do myself and yourself justice in living a fulling life so full of love and support,

Yours,
TPL. 20 yrs old. Opps

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